Tuesday, December 30, 2003
I just joined this cool site created by Rhett V. Pascual for poems by the 35 and older (for once, I am qualified) poetry enthusiasts. Not only did I get to write a poem, get his thoughts about it, but also made me think about creating this blog. So, thanks Rhett, you have been a big help already.
Here is my first submission to Rhetts site named puwetiks (hahaha - my american friends will never get that, man) and Rhett's analysis. I am also incorporating my thoughts (something I am not wont to do).
Moonless
I am a moonless night,
deprived of stars
like beads of pearls
on my mane.
Pitch darkness
envelopes my entirety.
Neither gold bracelets
nor a necklace of
sparkling diamonds
adorns my naked body.
Just me, alone in the cold,
feeling the mist in the air
tasting the salt the sea breeze brings.
not a single sound or
a glimmer of light.
No flapping of bird's wings
or a steady rejoice
from a cicada's call
to mate.
But I do not wish
for leniency or pity.
I do not despair, or will
engage in despondent slumber.
I shall not want.
I envy no one.
Not the tiny prism
that scintillates loudly
of multicolored layers,
of borrowed light.
I know day will come
and the sun
will shine on me
someday.
Right now,
I am the moonless night
Simple and bare but
contented with what I am.
By: rolly delos santos
Notes by Rhett:
1. This is a lonely lover's lament to a current condition of loneliness. The lover is
hoping that the future will change and that he will not be lonely anymore.
a moonless night
pitch darkness
alone in the cold
I do not wish for
leniency or pity.
I shall not want
I envy no one.
2. The images used to signify the darkness is most interesting. One of the reasons "Night" was chosen as a topic was to see how one addresses the lack of images in the darkness of the night. So you choose to personify yourself as the night and then speak of the lack of adornments of your body. The personification of the night is extremely subtle. I almost did not notice it.
3. The resolution of the poem occurs with night expressing pride(?) (I do not wish for leniency or pity.) Why did you do that? In my context, I enjoy the naked form, the unbridled form. Why would you expect that someone would want to give you pity or leniency for being unadorned?
4. The use of scintillate for the tiny prism is a strong use of language. It is
unexpected and knocks the reader back. How does a prism scintillate from borrowed light? Ahh, the mind widens.
5. The imagery of the mane is very striking, but is not continued in the other parts.
6. The loneliness of the night, however, is diluted in the images that are discussed. The sounds of birds contribute greatly to the atmosphere, but the prideful(?) stanza immediately after does not give the loneliness its due course.
7. My suggestion if you would ask me is as follows:
I am a moonless night,
deprived of stars
darkness envelopes
my entirety.
No flapping or call
of a cicada to mate.
I shall not want
I shall not envy
the tiny prism
that scintillates loudly
of multicolored layers,
of borrowed light.
I am the moonless night
Simple bare
contented with what I am.
8. I hope this helps you in thinking about the development of your poetry. I would appreciate your input as to whether this type of give and take helps or if you wanted a different analysis to the poem.
Take care, Rhett
****************************************
Hi Rhett,
Thanks for the careful read on my poem. There are a few
clarifications I would like to make so that you may point to me where
I went wrong with the message.
> 3. The resolution of the poem occurs with night expressing pride
(?) (I do not wish for
> leniency or pity.) Why did you do that? In my context, I enjoy
>the naked form, the unbridled form. Why would you expect that
>someone would want to give you pity or leniency for being
>unadorned?
This is for people who thinks that one's lack of material possession
is pathetic to say the least. There are a lot who wantonly flaunts
their possessions and extravagance. something I find totally immoral
in a country where 3/4 of the populace is in dire straits... or
something like that :-)
> 4. The use of scintillate for the tiny prism is a strong use of
>language. It is unexpected and knocks the reader back. How does a
>prism scintillate from borrowed light? Ahh, the mind widens.
That's basically the point. Why would I, or the speaker of the poem
be envious of something borrowed? I'd rather wear a sando than a
borrowed tuxedo.
> 5. The imagery of the mane is very striking, but is not continued
>in the other parts.
Guess you're right about this one. Maybe I needed to extend the
metaphor...
> 8. I hope this helps you in thinking about the development of your
>poetry. I would appreciate your input as to whether this type of
>give and take helps or if you wanted a different analysis to the
>poem.
Yes, your output helped me a lot. For one thing, you have shown me
how to pare down the words. This is how I like it done to my poem.
Honest. i don't want any sugar coating on the crit. Don't worry about
huring my pride. I've got a thick head. hehehehe. You've pointed out
where I need to strengthen it some more. Looking forward for more.
rolly
If you need further assistance please see this
Here is my first submission to Rhetts site named puwetiks (hahaha - my american friends will never get that, man) and Rhett's analysis. I am also incorporating my thoughts (something I am not wont to do).
Moonless
I am a moonless night,
deprived of stars
like beads of pearls
on my mane.
Pitch darkness
envelopes my entirety.
Neither gold bracelets
nor a necklace of
sparkling diamonds
adorns my naked body.
Just me, alone in the cold,
feeling the mist in the air
tasting the salt the sea breeze brings.
not a single sound or
a glimmer of light.
No flapping of bird's wings
or a steady rejoice
from a cicada's call
to mate.
But I do not wish
for leniency or pity.
I do not despair, or will
engage in despondent slumber.
I shall not want.
I envy no one.
Not the tiny prism
that scintillates loudly
of multicolored layers,
of borrowed light.
I know day will come
and the sun
will shine on me
someday.
Right now,
I am the moonless night
Simple and bare but
contented with what I am.
By: rolly delos santos
Notes by Rhett:
1. This is a lonely lover's lament to a current condition of loneliness. The lover is
hoping that the future will change and that he will not be lonely anymore.
a moonless night
pitch darkness
alone in the cold
I do not wish for
leniency or pity.
I shall not want
I envy no one.
2. The images used to signify the darkness is most interesting. One of the reasons "Night" was chosen as a topic was to see how one addresses the lack of images in the darkness of the night. So you choose to personify yourself as the night and then speak of the lack of adornments of your body. The personification of the night is extremely subtle. I almost did not notice it.
3. The resolution of the poem occurs with night expressing pride(?) (I do not wish for leniency or pity.) Why did you do that? In my context, I enjoy the naked form, the unbridled form. Why would you expect that someone would want to give you pity or leniency for being unadorned?
4. The use of scintillate for the tiny prism is a strong use of language. It is
unexpected and knocks the reader back. How does a prism scintillate from borrowed light? Ahh, the mind widens.
5. The imagery of the mane is very striking, but is not continued in the other parts.
6. The loneliness of the night, however, is diluted in the images that are discussed. The sounds of birds contribute greatly to the atmosphere, but the prideful(?) stanza immediately after does not give the loneliness its due course.
7. My suggestion if you would ask me is as follows:
I am a moonless night,
deprived of stars
darkness envelopes
my entirety.
No flapping or call
of a cicada to mate.
I shall not want
I shall not envy
the tiny prism
that scintillates loudly
of multicolored layers,
of borrowed light.
I am the moonless night
Simple bare
contented with what I am.
8. I hope this helps you in thinking about the development of your poetry. I would appreciate your input as to whether this type of give and take helps or if you wanted a different analysis to the poem.
Take care, Rhett
****************************************
Hi Rhett,
Thanks for the careful read on my poem. There are a few
clarifications I would like to make so that you may point to me where
I went wrong with the message.
> 3. The resolution of the poem occurs with night expressing pride
(?) (I do not wish for
> leniency or pity.) Why did you do that? In my context, I enjoy
>the naked form, the unbridled form. Why would you expect that
>someone would want to give you pity or leniency for being
>unadorned?
This is for people who thinks that one's lack of material possession
is pathetic to say the least. There are a lot who wantonly flaunts
their possessions and extravagance. something I find totally immoral
in a country where 3/4 of the populace is in dire straits... or
something like that :-)
> 4. The use of scintillate for the tiny prism is a strong use of
>language. It is unexpected and knocks the reader back. How does a
>prism scintillate from borrowed light? Ahh, the mind widens.
That's basically the point. Why would I, or the speaker of the poem
be envious of something borrowed? I'd rather wear a sando than a
borrowed tuxedo.
> 5. The imagery of the mane is very striking, but is not continued
>in the other parts.
Guess you're right about this one. Maybe I needed to extend the
metaphor...
> 8. I hope this helps you in thinking about the development of your
>poetry. I would appreciate your input as to whether this type of
>give and take helps or if you wanted a different analysis to the
>poem.
Yes, your output helped me a lot. For one thing, you have shown me
how to pare down the words. This is how I like it done to my poem.
Honest. i don't want any sugar coating on the crit. Don't worry about
huring my pride. I've got a thick head. hehehehe. You've pointed out
where I need to strengthen it some more. Looking forward for more.
rolly
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